Monday, December 14, 2009

Happy Hoffstrom Holidays!!

Woof! And Grrrrreetings, Frrrrriends of the Hoffstrrrrrrom Family!!

It's me again, Shmoopsie, the dog the Hoffstroms have always wanted, except for that old meanie Mister Sean, who won't let them get me. I am an adorable sad and wonwey puppy at the cold and smelly pound, waiting for a kind family with two adorable little boys and two terrrific cats, and three cute gerbils, and two fantastic iguanas, and one spunky canary to take me home and love me and take care of me, before they take me away forever to the scary back room. But old grouchy-pants Mister Sean thinks I would be too "inconvenient". *sad whimper*

Anyways, another year has passed, and I am here again to wish you a verrrrry Merrrrry Chrrrrristmas, and a Grrrrrreat Hannukah, and a Rrrrrrreally Nice Kwanza, and a Superrrrrr Solistice! AND, to bring you your yearly update on that terrrrrrific family, the Hoffstrrrroms! It's been a super busy and productive and all around grrrreat year for the Hoffstroms, so let's get rrrright to it!! Woof!

Theo is 6 1/2 now, and in the first grade, but wow, is he advanced!! Every week, his creative little mind comes up with something new to amaze us! Why, just last month, he made his own tattoo gun from a ball-point pen, a guitar string, and a car battery (we wondered for a week where the heck that thing had gone!), and gave himself the most marvelous tattoo of a decapitated squirrel! The detail was so lifelike, you'd think he had a real one to look at! His fabulous parole officer Theresa (thanks, Theresa, hope you're back on two feet again soon!! XOXO!) said he is doing grrreat, and promised that if he could go another 3 to 6 months without stealing from the neighbors, or selling any more "drugs" to the neighborhood kiddies, he could take off that pesky old ankle bracelet! Fingers--I mean paws!--crossed!

Now for Charlie, that Special Little Guy. He is 11 now, and boy can he drool! He loves his new "special guy" run in the back yard--no more getting tangled up in that old leash! And we have even been letting him in the house on those extra-chilly December nights--who could resist that sad, drool-y face, smooshed up and frozen against the glass on the back door? Last week, he put some new stickers on his helmet, with only a little help when a couple got stuck on his eyebrows. Golly, did we laugh--with him, of course!

Amy is back from rehab again, and celebrating 47 days clean-tastic and sober-ific--for the third time this year! She's been busily getting the house ready for the holidays, whenever she gets out of bed every few days: she shoveled a nice clear path through the newspapers and fast-food wrappers, and she whipped up a batch (or three!) of her super-secret Holiday Eggnog Punch recipe! Lemme tell ya, it must be full of the true Spirit of X-Mas, because for a non-alchoholic beverage, that stuff sure gets us all feeling mighty festive!

And last but not least, my fantabulous old arch nemesis, Sean! Wowie-zowie, his life has been as exciting as a ride on Santa's crazy old sleigh! First of all, his 2nd quarterly report tied for third best in his subdivision--but the Hoffstroms all agreed, it really deserved second! Sean's also been keeping his fellow engineers entertained with a steady stream of old Family Circus cartoons on his half of the cubicle wall--even some that poked gentle fun at authority figures!, though he had to take those down. Oh, he's still a little forgetful and accident-prone: last September, the silly old kook forgot to turn off the car in the garage while he was listening to Joy Division on the radio, and a few months before that, he pretty seriously nicked himself while shaving his wrists in the bathtub. But we know what that old grumpykins needs--lots of togetherness and special times with his wacky-but-super-terrific family!

Well, that's about all the news for the Hoffstrrrroms! Hope your year was as fun-filled and interrrresting as theirs was, though it probably wasn't! Maybe next year, the Hoffstroms will actually adopt me, and I can greet you at the front door in person--maybe even pee on your shoe--just kidding! Woof! Here's hoping!!




Anonymous said...

omg LOL !!! BAHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHAAA! Can I walk Schmoopsie (and Charlie) sometime?

Anonymous said...

you are freaking hilarious... schmoopie. Niki

Sara Padrusch said...

Awesome holiday letter! Unfortunately Lily probably won't get paroled in time for Christmas but Rebecca and her kids (she's expecting a third!) will be with us. Jesus protects us all.